Your Team: The Baltimore Ravens

Your 2025 record: 8-9, with all that implies.

Your coach: Not John Harbaugh. For the first time in 18 years, Not John Harbaugh will lead the Baltimore Ravens to whatever the hell it is they're going to do. The presence of Not John Harbaugh at the helm marks a fundamental and radical departure from the past, primarily because the Ravens have had only two coaches in their last quarter century. They rather fancy themselves the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are coached by Not Mike Tomlin.

Your quarterback: That's Lamar Jackson, who is either the greatest quarterbacking talent ever wasted by any team, or an excellent quarterback who cannot win—or even arrive at—the big one. Your mileage may vary on this depending on your view of running quarterbacks who take regular beatings, especially ones who perform as many designed runs as Jackson does. That wear and tear cost him four weeks last year, first with a hamstring and later with a knee issue that rendered him borderline useless over the final seven weeks. John Harbaugh was blamed in part for not figuring out how to maximize Jackson's talents, which is a significant reason why the coach is now Not John Harbaugh. He may have some swell ideas on that front, but Jackson is 29 now and quarterbacks with his risk assessment levels and growing injury history do not normally get better without alterations to his style.

What’s new that sucks: Well, maybe we start with Not John Harbaugh, or as he is known around the Thanksgiving table, Jesse Minter. Minter has been a Ravens assistant before and was the defensive coordinator for the Los Angeles Chargers the past two seasons. This is his first head coaching job anywhere. That c.v. is about as meh as it sounds, and is interesting mostly for the fact that the Chargers are coached by Jim Harbaugh, who is also not John Harbaugh but is closer than most. Minter was also with Harbaugh at Michigan before that, so this clearly means that owner Steve Bisciotti cannot quit the Harbaughs cold, or at least that the process will take a few years of withdrawals.

Minter has been assigned to fix a crummy defense that allowed 354 yards per game a year ago and third-highest points total in franchise history—which only started in 1996 despite the Ravens having been the Cleveland Browns before that. If you count those Browns teams, it is still the fourth-highest points total allowed in franchise history. That's why they made such a run at Las Vegas' version of Galactus, Maxx Crosby, and then bailed when it occurred to them that two first-round picks in exchange for an injured Raider was too scary a prospect to complete. They were savaged for their own cold feet, even after they showed their fans a new pair of socks named **Trey Hendrickson. **

Either way, the rancid defense is how Minter got the gig, and why Jackson and the lopsided offense—which is to say RB Derrick Henry, mostly—are largely the responsibility of former Bears OC Declan Doyle. We can't say for sure that smash mouth football is off the menu in Charm City, but Doyle straightened out the kinks in Caleb Williams, which is to say defensive linemen stopped standing on Williams's chest in Chicago. So one can hope, if that's one's idea of productive work. 

What has always sucked: Not all that much, truth be told. For all his criticisms viz. Jackson, Harbaugh got much of the business right, making the playoffs 12 times and winning a ring for a town that is still waiting for Earl Weaver to manage the Orioles again. But that kind of résumé creates expectations, and for all their hanging around with the big kids, their postseason résumé is kind of feh; since the Super Bowl win ending the 2012 season, they have reached only one conference final, and that was when they realized that Gus Edwards was going to have to become Henry.

The front office under Eric DeCosta has been knocked around in the last year or so, no more so than after the Crosby fiasco, and if Minter doesn't hit the Maryland slush fully at pace, Bisciotti might reveal that he's less like the jumbo lump version of the Rooneys and more like Chesapeake Woody Johnson, and start looking for heads to lop off at the first provocation. DeCosta has been in place for seven years, which is slightly above average for executive tenure (Jerry Jones doesn't count here, for obvious reasons.) There's no reason to believe that Bisciotti's days as a patient operator may be over, but also we'll see how hard his patience gets tried if things actually start to suck.

Want more inside football? Well, they don't have Pro Bowl center Tyler Linderbaum any more, because Linderbaum went to Vegas in free agency. Combine that loss with the Crosby non-trade, and that's two Pro Bowlers the Ravens let slip through their fingers and end up in Vegas. This marks the first time the Raiders have won a transaction since picking up Rich Gannon during the early years of the Industrial Revolution. That definitely does suck.

What might not suck: Jackson, clearly. Henry, indubitably. WR Zay Flowers, potentially, which is why DeCosta signed him to a four-year $140 million deal that made him the fourth-highest paid receiver in the biz, and why a training camp collision that caused him to grab his leg left the coaches fertilizing the ground where they stood. (Flowers is reportedly day to day.)

Unlike Jackson and Henry, Flowers is only 25. Presuming they all stay healthy, an offense that didn't in 2025 might actually do in 2026. Also, there's a revamped defensive line built around Hendrickson and healthy DT Nnamdi Madubuike, which if nothing else could hardly be worse than last year's model. At least that's what they tell you when you're too busy noticing Not John Harbaugh standing where the coach usually stands.

HEAR IT FROM RAVENS FANS!

Frank:

Jesus Christ, what an offseason. Trade for Maxx Crosby, only to realize they will probably need those picks since they can’t seem to negotiate a long term deal with the best offensive player the team has ever had, only to determine that he “failed a physical” and send him packing on a Southwest flight out of BWI. Every year I have to hear how this is one of the best run organizations in the league, yet in the Lamar era we haven’t made it out the Conference. At least we have a new coaching staff and new(ish) unis. If they continue to blow leads I may have to give up.

Jason:

You really don’t have to strain that hard to imagine a cybertruck covered in that stupid purple camo pattern

Alex:

In a year when the field goal distance record was getting broken every other week and 41 year old Nick Folk was setting personal distance records, we somehow replaced our sex offender kicker with the only rookie who can't kick it more than 40 yards.

Matt:

I knew the Ravens weren’t gonna do shit last season when John Harbaugh in his infinite wisdom, decided to visit Trump at the White House. So I wasn’t surprised when Tyler Loop went far right to end their season against the Steelers.

After the Buffalo game where the Ravens blew a 40-25 lead in the fourth quarter, I started betting against the Ravens in the fourth quarter every time they played against a team that had a pulse. I made $600 betting on the Patriots and the Steelers moneyline despite the Ravens having double digit leads in both games in the fourth quarter.

Joe:

Look, I have to start by at least giving credit to Eric Decosta and Steve Bisciotti for doing what they should have done about 8 years ago and finally dumping Eric’s neighbor as the head coach. Way way way too long did they let the blown 4th quarter leads, infantile clock management, and general Harbaugh scows get away with squandering talent. The White House trip last year was the shit icing on the sewage cake. Enjoy NYC John, you wannabe Stan Smith knockoff

I take a little bit of pride in knowing I was a season ticket holder for literally the worst Ravens home season in team history. I’ve only been a season ticket holder for 5 years, I’d think you would have needed 10 or 15 to see that level of bullshit

On my 42nd birthday, I got to watch Cooper Rush look like Uncle Rico against the Texans. I left that game partway through the third quarter, which was the only good thing to happen to me on the day of my birth. The Ravens scored a TD as soon as I left, so that was probably a cosmic sign that I sucked shit for watching this team on my birthday.

Sashi Brown is Charlie Brown kicking the football if he thinks the NFL is ever going to bring the NFL draft to Baltimore. The stadium upgrades are…something. At least we’re supposed to get bigger bathrooms? But nobody is ever going to willingly look at Baltimore and say “Now THERE’s a city we’re excited to feature in the national spotlight!”. And this is coming from someone who LOVES Baltimore and constantly gets into pointless online arguments with shitty county folk who claim “If you step foot in Baltimore, you get murdered!” Baltimore isn’t a tourist city, and nobody is giving us a big festival (I’m looking at you too, Orioles)

The team’s social media absolutely fawned over Steve Bisciotti making his own draft pick, I guess they conveniently forgot how stupid it was that Robert Irsay used to try to call in plays from the owner’s box. Cool story, but why don’t we leave the draft picking to the GM (who by the way absolutely decided that Maxx Crosby wasn’t a good investment and backed out of the trade…but honestly thank god because ever since, he looks like an absolute headcase)

The new uniforms look cool though.

Kurt:

Last year, the Ravens/Rams game fell on my son's 10th birthday. I raised him wrong, so he is a huge football fan and wanted nothing more than to go. I bought tickets for me, him, my brother and nephew in the nosebleed seats before the season began because expectations were high and I didn't want to miss out on four seats together. I paid close to $500 to barely be in the stadium, but this would be worth it for the memories.

Two weeks before the game, before we let my son know we had tickets, we are over my brother's watching Chiefs/Ravens when all the sudden Cooper Rush enters the game for the Ravens. The camera cuts to Lamar working on his hamstring on the sideline with a massage gun. I hang my head, then shoot a glance to my brother who is stifling laughter. We both already knew.

Lamar missed the next game as the Ravens got shellacked by Houston, and the writing was already on the wall for him to miss the Rams game as it was the game before the bye. As the week goes on we got the patented Harbaugh Glimmer of Hope, but come Saturday he was ruled out yet again. The four of us piled into my brother's van the next day, all of us in Lamar jerseys, with all the excitement of going to a funeral.

It was cloudy and windy at the stadium, and not particularly full since everyone saw what happened the prior week. Cooper Rush flapped about the field like a fish on the deck of a boat, and by halftime we were all openly calling for Tyler Huntley to be in the game. At one point the Ravens made it all the way to the Rams 1 yard line, and got stuffed on four straight attempts to score. A reminder: this team employs Derrick Henry, and still couldn't move the football three more feet. The Ravens were held out of the end zone that day for the one and only team all season.

Anyway, mission accomplished on creating memories for my son. He still had a blast, and on the way out said "I've never seen them score a touchdown in person. Now I have a reason to come to another game!" Next time I'll wait to buy the tickets until the week of the game.

Fuck John Harbaugh, man. He is about to get eaten alive in New York once they realize how big a fraud he is. He never won anything without Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, or Lamar Jackson propping him up.

Eamonn:

Jesus, where to start. With “parting ways” with one of the most successful modern coaches in the modern era? Who then raided the cabinet of players on the way out? He even took the fucking punter! That’s a level of petty like stealing the batteries out of every remote when you end a relationship. I live in New York and always enjoy the Giants sucking, but now I have to actively hate them for being Ravens North.

Or the Maxx Crosby non-trade, which I was excited about, because I’m an idiot, and then defended the walkback, because I’m an asshole, which has probably wrecked the team’s trustworthiness for a decade?

Or that I’m still not sure we even have five offensive linemen on the roster? Great strategy for a run-first team with a legendarily mobile QB to invest approximately tree-fiddy in the O-line!

Can’t even be the AFC North team that doesn’t have a rapist on the team after Ozzie left and last years draft. We’re gonna collapse like the fucking bridge in the harbor this year

Mike:

We'll be up three scores in the fourth quarter every single week and my wife will calmly chime in "Let's see how they fuck

one up." She gets this team.this

Kenneth:

The opening and closing games of 2026 were the perfect Harbaugh experience: the talent and execution soaring high, majestically even and somehow, crash the landing in the most spectacular and predictable fashion, that even leaves Pete Carroll skeptical over it.

Luke:

A statistic I heard is that the Ravens have blown 10 double digit leads in the second half in the past six seasons. No other team has done that more than 7 times. So thank God Harbaugh's gone. Let's see if Minter can make these guys un-choke.

Unfortunately, we still have no center, so even if we do somehow make it to the Super Bowl, Aaron Donald is going to run over the corpse of Ethan Pocic, strip-sack Lamar (who will no longer be able to run away on his banged-up knees and ankles), and give him a career-ending concussion in the process.

Carlos:

Any line of thinking that isn't resignation over Lamar never winning a ring as long as he is with us is delusional thinking and I fear I am in so much delusion I should be in a psych ward. Harbaugh pissed away his prime, the team has a severe allergy to not fucking up in the fourth quarter, he barely wants to be in this city anyways and the league has already figured out how to contain him. Whats the point anymore.

If teams got rings for "should have won" playoff victories we would have at least five.

Edward:

Having moved to Seattle about a decade ago, I've had to watch the ravens waste Lamar Jackson's prime from afar but was never more upset than when the offensive playcalling cost us the AFC Championship game against the Chiefs a few years ago. I kept thinking "Man the defense was insane though and spent basically an extra quarter on the field while still staying strong! Our Defensive Coordinator is probably going somewhere else.", which is all a prelude to saying it was great seeing Mike MacDonald hoist the Lombardi during the parade.

How did we sign literally Derrick Henry and still forget to run the ball in close games for the last two years? At least Giants fans don't have to worry about Skattebo getting injured too often.

Paul:

Using a crabhammer with too much force, transforming shell into shrapnel, is a primal joy. Alas, repeated smashing leaves a mess of meat that is somehow simultaneously pulpy and sharp. That's what Lamar's legs looked like by week 4 of last season. Our offensive line is going to be even worse this year.

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