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A sports car appears in the driveway. He arrives home with clothes that cost a fortune – and would look better on your son. He's missing in bed and you find him sadly gazing at old record or CD covers at 2am.

Welcome to your partner's midlife crisis – something that makes for great dinner party stories but should also ring alarm bells.

It might be a cliché – and our reactions to one often are – but underneath it is a man panicking about his mortality, lost dreams and a growing sense that life hasn't delivered what he expected.

My husband and I recently went to see Duran Duran in Hyde Park. It was, predictably, full of people around our age (old) and a people-watcher's dream. We both looked around trying to spy on other people's lives.

I saw pleasant nostalgia. My husband decided everyone looked a bit sad. 'The music reminds them of all the dreams they had in their youth and hearing it again reminds them that they never did achieve them,' he said.

A crowd of 70,000 all lamenting a life they should have had? Surely not?

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox reveals how to handle your husband's midlife crisis

Why do we have a midlife crisis?

It happens around the 40s or 50s but is less about reaching a certain age and more about having realisations.

We notice changes to our body as we get older: appearance and functionality. Parents age or die, which forces us to confront our own mortality.

Our careers are either soaring or flatlining and comparisons are being made. We're more likely to have a midlife wobble if ours is going nowhere but our friends have risen to giddy heights. (Happiness experts say to look down if you want to compare – think about the people who are the worst off in your social realm – but everyone looks up at the highest achieving.)

The kids need us less. Friends move away for 'more room' or to look after those ageing parents. The 'Is this it?' thought starts to nag.

Women being women, they tend to talk to each other to see if they're feeling the same, getting reassurance and support.

Men being men, don't. They're conditioned not to talk about scary things like 'existential anxiety'. Hell, they don't even know what that means.

All they know is that something seems to have slipped through the net and it has something to do with lost youth.

Hence the leather jacket, the motorcycle, the 'cool' trainers. It's all an attempt to resurrect a carefree past and stop feeling past it.

It sounds depressing but here's some good news: most of the time a midlife crisis is harmless. Sometimes, it can lead to a genuinely happier life.

Here's how to navigate and make sure it's the latter.

Indulge...

You have several options if your partner is questioning his life. The first is to indulge his attempts to make it better.

In some instances, this is the way to go. The long-lost dream: He always wanted to learn guitar, do a triathlon, retrain as something entirely different? This can be a very good thing.

Studies on midlife wellbeing consistently link a sense of purpose and novelty to higher life satisfaction. Encourage this one!

Is it a new appearance and he's hitting the gym, sporting that new wardrobe or haircut? This is also fine – with caveats.

If he's genuinely wanting to get fitter, look after himself more and look better in the process – fantastic.

If he's trying to turn back time in the hope of attracting a new, younger partner – not so great. If your relationship is in good shape and you're still having reasonably regular sex, there's probably no reason to worry. If it's not, pay attention.

For the sports car or expensive new hobby, a big purchase can absolutely be indulged if it's discussed as a couple and you can afford it.

If it's bringing him joy and doesn't threaten your financial security, your family or relationship, why not let him have it? Shared enthusiasm or generous tolerance does a lot for a marriage at this stage and age.

My friend's husband bought a pricey fishing boat, without consulting her, as a present to himself for his 50th. She was furious but then realised he was happier than he'd been in decades. Now they sail along the river together: it's their new 'thing'.

Worry...

There's looking back with nostalgia and fearing the future – and there's wanting to wipe the whole slate clean.

How to tell the difference?

Focus less on what he's doing and more on which direction he's moving in. Could all these new things include you, if you wanted, or do they take him away from you?

Secrecy: A new hobby is healthy. A new hobby that takes him out and about without you that he's cagey about, not so much.

Any unexplained absences, being protective over his phone, changing passwords, evenings out that he doesn't like explaining, showering at unusual times – all are high alert behaviour.

Putting you out of the picture: Watch for distancing – less affection, less interest in your life together, negative comments about your life together ('We got old too fast', 'I feel like I missed out', 'Do you ever wonder what you might have done if we hadn't got married so young?').

Contact with an old friend or someone new that feels threatening: Reconnecting with old friends is all part of the midlife crisis. But if it has a weird energy about it – late-night messaging, comments that seem flirty, him being oddly evasive when you ask questions about it – it's time for a direct conversation.

Financial recklessness: Draining joint savings, taking out secret loans, making major purchases without consulting you that you cannot afford... These are all extreme warning signs: he no longer cares about the life you share or he's setting up for one that doesn't include you.

How to talk to him about it

The first thing I want to say is this...

His crisis doesn't have to become your crisis. Women often lose themselves trying to manage their partner's crisis, tiptoeing and watching anxiously from the sidelines.

Don't. This is also a chance to think about what YOU might want to revive or revisit. Long-term relationships have a way of making us forget what we want individually. Don't lose yourself in this.

Timing matters enormously. Don't confront him when you've been arguing or are huffy with each other. Choose a moment when you're getting on quite well and be curious rather than accusatory.

Say, 'I've noticed you're really into the gym/music/meeting up with old friends lately. It seems to be making you happier. Tell me about it. I'd like to know what you're enjoying about it all.'

This lets him know you're not against what he's doing rather than about to give him a hard time. Watch your tone and body language: keep your voice soft, face relaxed and don't cross your arms.

Ask rather than accuse. 'I've noticed you've been quite secretive with your phone lately and it's making me feel nervous,' is far better than, 'You're having an affair aren't you!'. It's great to be direct but ask questions rather than jump to conclusions.

'My husband started going to after work drinks when he never had before,' one woman told me.

'Instead of asking if he was attracted to someone at work, I just said I'd noticed a change and asked what was behind it.

'It turned out he was terrified about turning fifty and becoming invisible at work, so figured he'd better get noticed. We worked it through together and are even closer than before.'

Handled with curiosity rather than panic, most things are survivable. But if your questions reveal what you were terrified of – he is having an affair or thinking of leaving – see a couple's therapist immediately. (Try relate.org, betterhelp.com or through BACP, COSRT.)

Visit traceycox.com or follow Tracey @traceycoxsexauthor.