Growing up in a home with parental mental illness, suicide attempts, domestic violence or addiction increases the risk of long-term mental health and behavioural issues in children when they grow up. They may face emotional neglect, physical abuse andlong-lasting struggles with trust, self-esteem and mental health.

Pallavi, 24, came to us with severe depression, an eating disorder and intense anger. In rage, she would bang her head or hit herself.

“There is nobody for me in this world,” she said quietly.

She also struggled with compulsive needs around bathrooms and cleanliness, something she felt too ashamed to tell anyone. Even though she was an only child, she felt emotionally distant, almost disconnected, from both parents.

As we explored her childhood, a clear pattern emerged. Her exposure to childhood trauma was very high and her mother’suntreated anxiety and OCD spilled into Pallavi’s body and daily life. Pallavi grew up in Canada with a mother who was constantly fearful, controlling and overwhelmed. That overwhelm often turned into violence. If four-year-old Pallavi kept her shoes “wrong”, she would be beaten. If she touched the floor or her shoes, she was forced to wash her hands again and again. Her mother checked doors and locks repeatedly and the house had to be “perfect”. Even a pen, pencil or spoon had to be kept in its place in a certain way; when it wasn’t, Pallavi became the target. Over time, her mother’s anxiety and OCD became Pallavi’s fear and her mother’s rituals became Pallavi’s prison.

She said, “I was pushed to shower multiple times till my skin peeled.” Outside the home, things weren’t safer – she was compared to her cousins and bullied at school. She felt trapped everywhere.

Her father had explosive anger outbursts and sometimes beat her with a belt. Pallavi learnt early that home was not a safe place. She lived dreading both parents. For a few years, her grandparents took her back to India. “They were the best years of my life,” she said. She finally experienced warmth, calm, and safety. But when her grandfather died, she was sent back to her parents.

She described feeling “alone, abandoned and betrayed.”

By 20, she began having suicidal thoughts. Her father would say, “You should have died in the OT,” when he was angry. When conflicts arose at school, her parents sided with others rather than her. “Even my parents never believed me or stood up for me,” she cried. When her mother caught her chatting with a boy, she was called a “slut”.

University finally gave her physical distance. “Once I started university, I finally felt free!” she said. But the past followed her inwardly – anger, loneliness and the habit of turning pain against herself. She began self-harming: scratching herself, banging her head, throwing things in sudden storms of rage.

When she came to us, her wish was simple and heartbreaking: “I want to forget the past and bond with my parents now.”

Parental mental health or a history of suicide attempts or the death of a parent by suicide can leave children with chronic anxiety, hypervigilance (always being on edge) and distrust. They may grow up feeling emotionally numb and depressed. Many carry irrational blame or toxic shame and these scars are often carried into adulthood.

When there is a history of mental illness or suicide in the family,it can have a deep and lasting impact on children. Young minds are not fully developed and are very sensitive to the emotional atmosphere at home. If a parent struggles with psychiatric issues, they may seem emotionally unavailable, unpredictable or even frightening.

In many families, mental health conditions go undiagnosed, leaving the children to deal with the fallout all alone. One client told us about growing up with a father who had bipolar disorder. He would be violently abusive during manic episodes, then sink into deep depression and stop going to work. Another client described a father who beat them mercilessly, only to lavish them with gifts and affection afterwards, until the cycle started again. These unpredictable shifts filled their childhoods with dread and anxiety, always waiting for the next explosion. As adults, they develop trust issues and live in hypervigilance, resulting in chronic stress and health conditions.

Children growing up in such homes often end up taking on adult responsibilities (parentification) far too early. They lose out on their own childhood caring for a sick parent or younger siblings.

Saloni’s mother had schizophrenia and would have episodes where she seemed to “go crazy”. Saloni’s father blamed her for not making sure her mother took her medication on time. On top of that, Saloni had to make sure her little brother got to school and was cared for when her mother was unwell. She grew up under constant stress, always feeling responsible for everyone else. As an adult, she still struggles with anxiety and the belief that to be loved, she must look after everyone else.

Many children in these situations grow up feeling resentfulor even hating their parents. It is often complicated by feelings ofguilt and shame, feeling bad for being angry with someone whowas sick or unable to care for themselves.

Ayush, aged 32, came to us for therapy for anxiety, alopecia and relationship issues. He had a fear of commitment and had frequent outbursts of violent anger towards his girlfriend. Though she was ready to commit, he would get cold feet when it came to discussing marriage. His childhood was ridden with episodes of physical abuse and domestic violence perpetrated by his controlling father, who would drink every day and become violent. The three children would listen to their mother’s screams from inside the room and feel helpless and terrified. Their mother would emerge from the room, bruised and bloody. As Ayush became a teen, he would step into the violent fights to protect his mother, only to be beaten mercilessly. He eventually learned to become emotionally numb. On rare occasions when he did get triggered, he would also break into violent, angry outbursts, overwhelming and scaring his girlfriend.

We have worked with many clients who have reported that even in their adulthood they have flashbacks of their parents’ violent fights. Sometimes they can’t forget the sound of screaming coming from the room, or the sound of a parent being brutally assaulted. Many children try to intervene and protect the victimised parent; others cower in a corner, too afraid to even speak out or show themselves.

Children in such homes often feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never sure when the next fight will explode. They learnt to remain hypervigilant and always alert. Their body and nervous system get wired to always be anxious and unsure. They feel unsafe in the very homes they are supposed to be safe in and around the very adults who are supposed to protect them. This also impacts their trust in marriage and relationships as adults.

Shibani, a forty-three-year-old unmarried school teacher, told us thatshe cannot tolerate loud voices. She gets anxious when people speakloudly. It reminds her of her childhood home filled with yelling andshouting parents who would hurl the choicest gaalis (verbal abuses) ateach other. Both were loud and verbally abusive. This filled her withdread and shame. Initially, she had tried to intervene, but soon gaveup, knowing that it did no good. They seemed to have got so used tofighting every day. ‘Jhagda kiye bina unka khana nahi pachta tha’(They can’t digest their food if they don’t fight), she would say.

Shibani would hide in her room, under the blanket, trying hardto not listen but they were so loud, the neighbours would also hearthem! Neighbours often taunted Shibani about this saying, ‘Insteadof fighting like animals, why don’t they just separate? Our childrenare having to see this drama and listen to this garbage every day.’Shibani would hang her head in shame on her way to school. Shehardly went out to play for fear of being ridiculed. She didn’t havfriends—she would have to call them home and they would get toknow what happened in her house. She feared ridicule and judgement.She is afraid of marriage and relationships. She hasn’t seen a good,functional one!

As we have found through our therapy, divorce or separation is often seen as harmful to children but staying together while fighting constantly can be potentially more damaging. In India, divorce rates are low, but that doesn’t mean families are always peaceful. Many couples stay together but argue all the time, creating a toxic environment for their children. Using sarcasm, verbally abusive language, prolonged arguments or periods of silent treatment are signs of marital discord that affect the child daily. Even the “silent treatment”, where parents don’t speak for days, can fill the house with tension and anxiety.

Children grow up normalising such behaviours and sometimes repeat the same patterns in their own adult relationships. Worse still, is when a child is expected to be a mediator between the fighting parents or take sides. In many cases, the parents use the child as a weapon against the other parent, using the child as a confidant to malign the spouse. Children grow up confused, sometimes carrying the hate for one parent that is not even their own. Later, by the time they realise it, it’s too late to mend their relationships with both parents and it remains formal or distant.

Many children carry the guilt of their parents’ discord, blaming themselves for the parents’ fights. This could happen when both parents have opposite parenting styles or disciplining methods. This guilt can eventually make the child a people-pleaser or an over caring adult who avoids confrontations at any cost.

Most kids who grow up watching their parents’ constant fighting grow up developing a deep distrust in the institution of marriage and relationships. They may develop a fear of commitment and relationships, choosing to live alone or in temporary relationships. Many choose to not get married. Others, as adults, continue the pattern of being a victim or a violent abuser in their own marriage or relationship.

Excerpted with permission from What Happened to Me? vs What's Wrong with Me?: Indian Perspectives on Childhood Trauma and Recovery, Gunjan Y Trivedi, Riri G Trivedi, and Hemalatha Ramani, Penguin India.

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