Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The unfortunate among you may have seen the movie “United Passions,” a biopic about world football’s governing body FIFA, and a film so bad that the Guardian reviewed it thusly: “As cinema it is excrement.”

“United Passions” focuses on a series of FIFA presidents, up to and including Sepp Blatter — a man not so much tainted by accusations of corruption as tattooed with them. And yet, Blatter is very much the George W. Bush to current FIFA head Gianni Infantino’s Donald Trump.