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Ted Lasso (Apple TV)
Rating: Two out of five stars
Americans don't understand sport. They think it's a form of entertainment, which is why they're generally so bad at it. Sport done properly is far too important to be enjoyable.
They are especially inept at football, misunderstanding it so completely that they can't even get the name right. 'Soccer' is playground slang, the equivalent of referring to American Football as 'tig'.
The World Cup final highlighted everything they get wrong about sport. The match itself was simply a warm-up for the half-time concert by Madonna and Justin Bieber. Nothing could be more calculated to cause an Englishman real distress.
My cousin Rob, a loyal QPR fan, emailed me in anguish, aghast at this 'mockery of the game I've loved and followed for the greater part of my life. This great spectacle of the sport for the masses has become a carnival event.'
This is what Americans cannot comprehend. They think that if we don't adore all the hoopla of their big games, it must be because they haven't made it garish and glittery enough. Their solution is to add even more pom-poms, tickertape, laser beams and dancing mascots.
Jason Sudeikis stars as the titular character Ted Lasso. By reviving a popular series that had run its course, Apple is falling into the same lazy mistake that has undermined Hollywood
Hannah Waddingham stars as billionaire club owner Rebecca. As the show returned for a fourth series, Rebecca was in the US to coax Ted out of retirement to come back to London
That's the entire narrative of Ted Lasso, Apple TV's self-satisfied comedy drama about a US football coach who transforms the fortunes of an English Premier League club by teaching it to play the American way.
As the players learn to embrace their mental health and parrot inspirational slogans, they become happier, more rounded human beings. They also get relegated, of course, but what does that matter?
By reviving a popular series that had run its course, Apple is falling into the same lazy mistake that has undermined Hollywood. Rather than come up with new and creative ideas, they are content to rehash old ones, and clearly intend to keep doing so until we're all thoroughly bored.
But the streaming channel's real error is its assumption that the British are itching to copy everything American. There's a running joke that has billionaire club owner Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham) scoffing boxes of barbecue ribs.
She's never tasted anything like them, and they're so delicious that she doesn't care about repeatedly dripping sauce over her designer outfits.
Another repeated gag pretends we're fascinated by the paradox that Kansas City is in the state of Missouri. We truly neither know nor care.
As the show returned for a fourth series, Rebecca was in the US to coax Ted (Jason Sudeikis) out of retirement to come back to London and coach the women's squad for his old club, AFC Richmond. Head of PR Keeley (Juno Temple) visited a Kansas stadium to see how their ladies do it.
With fireworks erupting over the stands and fans gawping at the sky instead of the pitch, Keeley had a revelation: the British public will love this too.
No we won't. Yanks Go Home. Please.