As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been playing Fields of Mistria since it launched into 1.0 last week, and I’m having a great time. It’s like Stardew Valley got a 10-percent quality-of-life buff to everything, alongside some features borrowed from other games I love like Animal Crossing and Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life.

Obviously, one of the best things about a game like this is that there are a bunch of very sweet, very nice, very lovely single individuals hanging around town who you can get to know very, very well. A thing Mistria does that I love is that it allows you to choose, at certain points, whether you want your relationships with these people to progress into close friendships or romances, so you don’t have to feel like you’re losing out on a character’s story just because you don’t want to smooch them. As a result, I’m making sure to befriend everyone, even people I do not wish to smooch. For instance, I am befriending Juniper, who is not my type necessarily, but who has a very cute golden retriever I’d love to be besties with. I am befriending Adeline, who is beautiful but also seemingly far too wrapped up in her work to really consider romancing.

And I am befriending March, who is a big stinky butthole of a man and who I will not be marrying for any reason whatsoever.

March is the local blacksmith, a fellow with red hair and a permanent expression that makes him look like he smells something foul in the room. He’s the younger brother of Olric, a downright himbo sweetie who is unfortunately not interested in romance with the player (he mostly seems to just like rocks) but who will gas up his asshole of a brother at any possible opportunity. March is also very good at his job, which has given him a cocky edge for some reason and results in him looking down on basically everyone except his brother.

In real life, I hate people like March. He’s snobby and curt, overtly rude to you at every possible opportunity. He gets mad basically any time you speak to him, and spurns most gifts that other villagers at minimum tolerate (flowers), preferring precious and needed materials like ore. He seems to be jealous of you because you arrived in town recently and everyone’s paying a lot of positive attention to you. He’s pissed that Adeline gave you the farm and is asking you for help, and then further pissed off when you do a good job of providing that help.

The one thing that seems to soften him just a tiny bit is craftsmanship. March, as mentioned, is an excellent blacksmith, award-winning and renowned, and he knows it. He will begrudgingly respect your own interest in blacksmithing, though he’s clear that you’ll never be as good as he is. March just cares more about the craft than he does his own high-and-mighty position, so anyone trying out blacksmithing is slightly more likeable than anyone who isn’t. He also seems to bear a certain respect for anyone who is exceptionally skilled and attentive to their own crafts. For instance, he’ll compliment Hemlock on his beer-making, or Juniper on keeping an excellent bathhouse.

But mostly, he’s just an asshole. While I try to make friends with everyone in games like this, I probably would have ignored March entirely (the way I did the snobby Haley in Stardew Valley) were it not for Olric. In an early dialogue with Olric, he asks you to give his brother a chance, and it’s hard to deny him. Olric is lovely. Olric is a saint who has never done anything wrong in his life. I would do anything for Olric, including (unfortunately) be nice to his rude brother.

So I have grit my teeth and spoken to March at every. possible. opportunity. I give him gifts, thoughtful ones that I know he’ll like. I ask him about himself. The player character’s dialogue options with March take a tactic I would not personally use, which is a fake-cheery snark intended specifically to poke at him, which only enrages him further. This makes me feel a little bad for him. If I’m going to be stuck dealing with this guy, I’d rather at least try to meet him closer to where he’s at, engage him in stuff he already likes and refuse to meet his rudeness with obnoxiousness. Really, it’s probably mostly my fault he’s so pissy all the time. I’d be rude, too, if someone kept making snarky jokes at my expense and talking to me incessantly while I was working.

But these are the tools I have! I’m just trying to be neighborly. He’s really the one in the wrong here, of course. I hate him. Awful fellow. It’s a good thing he has a slick theme song that I enjoy listening to. Too bad I won’t hear it very often, because I will not be romancing this man.

I needle March daily. He gets angrier, but eventually, slowly but surely, he softens. Of course he does! That’s how characters like March work! Man, I freakin’ hate it! I should not have to bend over backwards to squeeze an ounce of human decency from this petulant fool. People like him in real life are insufferable at best, and borderline abusive at worst! I’m sure he has a tragic backstory that explains his cold demeanor and is crafted to make me feel sorry for him, but it definitely will not work on me! I’m battle-hardened! I know how this goes! I should give up on him right now and focus my attentions on the sweet and earnest Celine, or the cool and classy Valen, or the quiet and empathetic Ryis. Yes, I definitely should do that. Just stop talking to him, Reb. Go give Celine a flower. She loves them.

But I do have a copper bar in my box that I’m not using. It’s just taking up space. March might like it. What if he likes it? He’ll get more use out of it than me, for sure. He might appreciate the thoughtfulness, you know, if I take him this copper bar unprompted. Or, you know, at least Olric will be happy. Right, Olric. That’s what’s most important here. Not March. I hate March.

Wow, that was actually somewhat polite. Almost sweet. But he was probably just having an off day. He doesn’t really like me. He doesn’t like anyone but himself. He’s an asshole and I would not marry him, ever, for any reason at all.